He just called shotgun on the way to the squad car.
I don't think i can handle my uncle say again that kid rock is a true musician....
oh my god, there is an imprint from the nuva ring in the christmas card my mom sent me. merry christmas.
In the future let's not drunk dive in the fountain in front of the hotel bar.
I honestly wish you had parked the car in the terminal garage and fucked me in the backseat but I guess I should be more forward
Hey. Hope youre not too hungover. Also, did you put a Christmas tree in my guest bathroom and cover it with condoms?
And he was super vague about his life, it was frustrating. I totally boned a homeless guy, didn't I?
just used my nephews bottle to take my birth control
Haha, maybe if he wasn't dressed up like Kimmy Gibler he could give her the D
best eviction party ever.
it wasn't an eviction party you asshole, you just happened to get yourself evicted during the party.
I was the oldest, shortest, and soberest at the New Years party last night. My life sucks
His favorite positions involve choking me out. I'm marrying him.
He fucked me for my Netflix login, I fucked him for his HBO login, and actually I think that's beautiful
Probably not. Getting pulled over and puking my guts out on the side of the road in front of the cop and him making fun of me, was not my finest moment. Plus I lost my debit card.
I just snorted sandwich everywhere.
I hope it smells nice :)
IT DOESN'T BECAUSE I HAVE MEAT COMING OUT OF MY NOSE, DAMNIT.
Randomize
