Just found out what was wrong with Esther. Turns out she's 33 and still not married. This explains everything.
Im am drinking whisky alone in my parents basement. I think I just watched the point of no return stroll by.
That's like lying to my vagina. I can't betray it like that.
im so sorry the vomit froze your passenger door shut... you should have stopped.
One good thing about being a mom now, I can tell which guys I'm dating were breastfed and which weren't... By the way they latch on to my breast during sex! Kinda kills the mood.
When someone comes out of your vagina and stomps on your dreams, you'll understand.
I woke up on the dog bed, bottle of alcohol still in hand and my thong was hanging off the family portrait.... Yikes
Guys always stop talking to me right around the point that if they bought me food a couple times I would probably have sex with them.
Seriously, fuck work.
uh yea I'm curled up in the trunk of my car
Yep, that just happened. My mom just gave me a big bag of drugs for my birthday. She even put them in a fancy bag with tissue paper.
You drunkenly promised dick pics on your way out the door and then never delivered. I don't know how I'll ever be able to trust you again.
FYI the blow job was for papa johns pizza
I regret 8000% nothing
I love you. Go after that dick
TRY TO UNDERSTAND I HAVE MAGIC POWERS HOLY FUCKING SHIT
Btw, you owe me. One (1) orgasm.
Randomize
