i just pissed myself at work. maybe they'll buy the old coffee spill trick
Remember when I use to call my dick 'the pendulum'
wtf?
It is now the artist formerly known as 'insideyourgirlfriend'
I just saw a kid walk into class with his dad. Fuck his life.
Yea.. I remember nothing. Except that the taxi driver was 56 years old and apparently never cheated on his wife.
You have no idea how much I'm praying for my moms side of the family's infertility right now
Just saw an all male dolphin threesome from underwater viewing
I draw, I play three woodwind instruments, I press buttons for eight hours at work and Im studying to be a gynecologist... I guarantee I can make you squirt, babe.
pizza hut and my weed lady just showed up at the same time. I feel 22 again.
So you're at your daughter's volleyball game looking at dicks online? That's amazing.
No, I was picking her up from volleyball and sitting in my car looking at dicks.
This wine tastes amazing. It's like a fermented hug.
He's my favorite late night booty call. He lives next to a Wendy's.
You know you're an adult when you start planning your hookup a week in advance
Seriously. There were about 4 hours in which I swear my nose was not attached to my face.
She thinks I cheated on her 10 years ago in a past life lmao
He set the tone in the back of his car by blasting Marvin Gaye's sexual healing before railing me
Randomize