my dad's beating me at drinking again. No matter what i do I can't win.
i feel like god sat there all night pointing and laughing at me
we're tailgating intramural basketball with hard drugs and tequila...and i think the players are taking shrooms
I've taken to hiding pictures of us around his room so that he'll forever feel guilty for dumping me on Valentine's Day... And to potentially cock block any hook ups.
Your maid of honor is passed out in a golf cart on the 18th hole.
I hear sloppy seconds go great with fried rice
Hey, the point is, I have 3 guys to fuck to get over the last one. It's my golden rule. You told me to find a hobby! It translated as "find another guy".
That is the opposite way I told you to find a hobby.
So neither of us had a dollar bill and we couldnt find a straw so we spent all nite doing coke through penne pasta
I threw up in a mitten on my drive home. Wow.
I want to get back to junior year skinny- without all the drugs.
Ladies, if you have recieved this text then you are one of the lucky few friends I have decided to make this proposal to. As you all know, my boyfriend's birthday is in two weeks and I have finally decided on the perfect present. Surprise threesome. Now, there can only be one, this isn't an orgy you know, so I will be rating the ideal candidates on bra size and sluttyness. Experiance will count, references if available. Inbox me your credentials so we can come to a...Satisfying agreement.
can we not compare my dick to a children’s folk tale
You can't say that. Only if you have peed on the side of the highway in daylight while signing Christmas songs can you say that.
He's such a jerk. If only his penis was attached to someone else
Riddle me this: why did I wake up next to a stuffed sword fish?
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