Slept with that guy from the bar last night. Only got 2 1/2 hours of sleep. Eyes were so bloodshot this morning that the principal sent me home b/c she thought I had pink eye. God I love teaching elementary school...
Manager just farted into the intercom. Whole place heard it. A number of people stopped everything and looked at him. Best. Night. Ever.
so i finally decided to ask her out. she started mumbling, then she puked on me. i think i'll try again when she's sober
Found a dirty envelope on my seat w ur name and $122.50 written on the front. Nothing inside but what looks like dirty pine needles
We should reintroduce naked Mondays
He literally sends me dick pictures, EVERY DAY. SEVERAL DIFFERENT ANGLES ..it's like I GET THE POINT.
He's just so adorable. And I don't want to fuck someone who's adorable.
I know, my friend Erin took me into the bathroom at work and poured pickle juice on me.
Dude they're making a condom for people who have no feeling in their penises that will make them able to have an orgasm. I love science
Stealing, and booze. If only you added meaningless sex with random people you would have wrapped all your life passions together
She broke up with me after I spent the whole day speaking in nothing but Marshawn Lynch quotes.
tonight at the bar some people told me that I have a sprit following me around.. that's the kind of shit that you laugh off till you're home alone.
Looks like I'm not in the Ashly Madison files. But my wife is.
I threw up in the shower. I cleaned it all up and there is on mess at all. This hangover has become borderline religous. Powerful and life changing.
I DIDN'T WATCH THE PILLSBURY DOUGH BOY PORN!!!!
Randomize
