Facials are how you say "I love you" in porn star.
i literally forgot his name and just started calling him "waffles"
Then you jumped off your bed with your arms outstretched, yelled "I'm Goliath, watch out New York!" and then began singing the Gargoyles theme song as you 'soared' around your room.
Don't be ridiculous, the Gargoyles theme song has no words. How could I sing that mess?
You just started going "da da da da da! da da da da da! DA DA!!" then going "swoosh" as you glided about.
just found a carrot inside of a baby sock. living with toddlers is like living with tiny hammered people.
He got about halfway through singing "Drift Away" before he passed out and broke my coffee table.
Dude, so the police showed up at my house with my wallet told me they found it in the church fountain then handed me a pamphlet on AA saying it was from the pastor. What happend?
Abby spilt her vodka all over the train's bathroom floor
WE'RE THE ONES DRESSED UP FOR THE LARGEST DRINKING HOLIDAY IN AMERICA WHO ELSE ON THIS TRAIN IS A SUSPECT FOR THIS SMELL?!
I honestly feel really bad for any girl with a period that lasts more than a day
Everything about that text makes me want to throttle you and cry
Just told myself the phrase "You're not THAT single" while dressing myself
Whoever decided to put a Denny's that close to the strip club is a genius.
For a second I thought that you were becoming a decent person again. I am glad I was wrong.
What type of bandaid should I use on my clit
I DONT KNOW HOW I'M NOT DEAD, JESUS CHRIST ON A DOUBLE DECKER FUCKING KEANU REEVES BUS
screwing the intern at work sucks when u find out the boss is too. She is a smoking hot though
I woke up alone, naked in her bed staring at a lifesize poster of edward cullen,actually I'm lying I did have socks on
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