I'm home now. bring me food and boobies
went out last night and woke up on the bathroom floor again, thinking about just moving my bed in there.
why is there a sandwich nailed to the wall
I need ur penis! This is not drunk texting, either! This is I need ur penis texting. There IS a difference!
Heyyyy darlin are you busy?
Why hello drunk Jake. It's sober Sarah, I'll tell drunk Sarah you booty called. She'll probably be around tomorrow night.
Isn't that the only thing she's good at? Complaining and blow jobs?
Okay Im going to go have some sex apparently. I hope this chick is prepared the zero effort Im going to put into it.
Just had to pull out another loan to pay for that public drunkenness citation. I am so ready to graduate.
And then you proceeded to sneak behind thee bar and hold up an empty bottle of vodka and scream LOOK WHO THE BARTENDER IS NOW BITCH!
I fucked a guy that's in Sports illustrated. I'm officially ready for college.
I woke up surrounded by goldfish. Thank God my laptop was here too. Now I don't have to leave my bed all day.
You pissed off the back deck while listening to the national anthem from your phone screaming America Fuck Yea to my neighbors
Just got cockblocked by my GF's wedding shower... That's a first. And I have to buy a gift.
It's not Christmas until you get a photo from an ex wearing a Santa hat and red boxers... And then you just respond with, "nope."
It’s like I’m living in some alternate wet dream universe right now
Randomize
