At the bar dressed as a taco. not a typo. Come down.
The sign in front of ihop says "designated drivers get half off their order"
but he used his one phone call to call mom and wish her happy mothers day, that's gotta count for somethin
they duct taped my keg cup to my hand with my sister's phone number on it. I should be ok tonight.
I hope making "real" money at your "real" job is worth it because you totally missed beer and dorrito mac n cheese tuesday.
He said I went to go sit outside and is promised I wouldn't leave he brings me a chair and I'm gone. He found me stumbling a half mile away in my socks
I am the worst sexter. i actually told him .. if i had a penis, it would be hard right now. BTW thats a turn off.
Fastest way to get judgmental looks on a Sunday morning: wear sunglasses inside carrying a case of beer and thin mints at the grocery store. May or may not have ran into the glass door.
Gotta love Minnesota
The date officially concluded on the phrase "Nosh dat vag".
If there was a bread and water delivery truck id make sweet hungover love with it.
You're an idiot. I have LIVED as a cautionary tale of what happens when you drink too much and stick your dick in crazy, HAVE YOU LEARNED NOTHING?
Apparently I send drunk snapchats a lot and they always have random dudes in them. Like one night it was just me and some guy I don't know sitting on my couch.
It's scary that my vibrator is a dangerous weapon. I want a new one.
I woke up next to my bosses toilet.i wish you had just left me in the neighbors yard.
she's 6'2. you bet your ass i slept with her.
Randomize
