you hand the children out the window. i'll pour the drinks.
Mike is offhisass drunk and just sat down next to my sister and said "If you gained 30 pounds and stopped reading poetry, I would be attracted to you. Now, your little sister, attractive, even though she's basically the same person as you- she just pulls it off better because she's 15."
i woke up today to a handjob from this really fat girl that keeps calling me michael phelps
Is it standard protocol to defriend someone after they give you chlamydia?
hey, when you wake up, search yourself on youtube
my sister already found it, were watching it right now. i give it 2 thumbs up.
my debit card account is gonna say movie, movie, ice cream, movie, cheese fries, get a fucking life, movie
What?? I'm covered in blood at the hospital, I atleast deserve a pic of someones boobs
What's the appropriate way to phrase "If you ever leave your wife give me a call. But we can still have sex periodically until then."??
An image of us stuck like that like Pompeii comes to mind. A wonder for future anthropologists
I tried to pay my tab and go home but she wrote me a "list of things I'm good at" with fellatio as no 1...
Yeah sorry about that. I got pulled into the Russian student society's end of term party. There was too much vodka and eurodance to come help you pack.
I just accidentally deep throated a popsicle in front of my parents
CODE RED CODE RED MY VIBRATOR IS BROKEN THIS IS NOT A DRILL
YOURE A FUCKING ADULT. DONT TELL ME ITS PAST YOUR BEDTIME WHEN I WANT TO GET ANOTHER COCKTAIL.
It's almost 5am and all I can keep thinking is IT'S WHISKEY TIME!!
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