Doug is wearing your sports bra fyi
I'm lit.While shaving my legs I pretended the razor was a tractor cutting down corn. Noises included.
I just made what I can safely estimate to be a 900 calorie pb&j. Fuck a serving size.
I was handcuffed to a girl for half-an-hour. And I'm still the only one in the house who didn't get laid.
Would it be safe to assume you're the one that left my front door wide open and left yourself a trail of jaeger drops to find your way back?
We should celebrate the resignation of Berlusconi tonight with too many bottles of wine and sambuca. We're allies, right?
Oh and I guess I added our cab driver on Facebook. He has "liked" every single one of my beach pictures. Kill me now.
Ok wear gym clothes just in case we feel like going shitfaced to the gym
Taking shots of gin by myself out of TMNT glasses and chasing with bites of chocolate cake. AMERICA.
my math prof is telling us what to do in a gun fight. i dont want to live in oakland anymore.
I just had really awesome sex bent over the side of an air hockey table. That is all. Happy thanksgiving.
To be clear, the next time I wake up with your dick inside me, I will reach down and grab one and squeeze until it pops like a grape. You've been warned.
I'm usually good at keeping a straight face, but not while singing a ballad to a stranger in a bathroom.
I had a dream I hooked up with Post Malone. I can still smell the dream
just threw up in a gas staton parking lot in front of a father and son. stared them in the eyes and finished like a boss
Randomize
