I just took a dump by candlelight. I feel like a pilgrim.
I just looked at my iPhone gps history... "the gas station", "the park with a big scary fence", "the trampoline", and, my favorite, "where we were when we were about to do lines off a bible".
Drunk. Just jacked off for the third time in an hour. I love not being Catholic anymore.
Everything was good until you pulled the bartenders hair because she cut you off
I'm not sure how many more innuendos I can slip into this fucking conversation before I just blatantly say "I want to fuck you."
He got thrown out for leaning over the bar topless and pouring himself some beer while singing the james bond song
Nothing says "Good Morning" like Jell-o shots and coffee cakes.
Ew. After that you just pretty much proved that your vagina is the reason why my vagina needs two toilet seat covers when peeing in public restrooms
There are panties and mini bottles of Fireball in my purse. Except for the broken toe incident, I'd say last night was probably a success.
that's the first time I've heard "shenanigans" and "apocalypse" in the same sentence
woke up in the back seat of my car with a naked chick and my brother tapping on the window. yup, what a night
Bacardi 151 is like a past nightmare I'm still curious about
lesbians are really intense tho, she made me take her eye makeup off and told me she was going to eat me for breakfast
He is saved in her phone as Sir. Mindfuck <3/ vag cleaner of course I need to meet him.
Best part though was when he wanted to cuddle and I was like, I'm going to go.
Randomize
