Strawberries are so good its weird that food is growable
you were running down the aisles of wal mart singing 'follow the yellowbrick road'. i'm pretty sure you thought the night shift workers were the munchkins & started crying when they wouldnt help u find the wizard. needless to say u were pretty stoned/wasted
I just chugged a whole pitcher of beer in 1 min. 9 sec. A whole goddamn pitcher.
I have to verbally tell you. He looks good on paper...but he totally fails in person. Like communism.
Please don't ever try giving my cat a hair cut ever ever again
You are not allowed to borrow my car ever again. It smells like a hobo orgy happened in my backseat with a hint of onion. What did you do.
A guy with the name Pootie Tang winked st me and a guy that doesn't speak English messaged me. These are my choices?
There was a pumpkin carving contest and we carved a very realistic dick about to penetrate a vagina. Our Christian Youth hosts were not happy.
If I had really thought it through, I would have bought some Depends, popped one on and made this night my bitch.
I didn't have toilet paper until 20 minutes ago. But I have champagne. Priorities.
I feel awkward giving career advice while naked
I was out of weed and my vibrator broke, so I'm now at Red Lobster.
I'm sorry about the spring break comment. I won't make anymore pornos, I promise.
I just woke up butt-naked in bed with a guy I've never seen..I reached into my bag next to the bed to get my phone and found a bag of shrooms, a handle of vodka, and 600 dollars that I've never seen. what do I do
enjoy it.
I blacked out. Broke into their house. Took a shit, and left. This is why you can't leave me unattended.
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