Dude, I just woke up on the floor of some random chick's floor with puke in my hair and a posted note on my forehead that said "It's over." Dude I wasn't even aware I was in a relationship...
Does transporting jello shots count as driving with an open container?
oh my god. i just found my camera... on top of the bush outside of my house. never let me drink everclear again
I can't get a boner in the bathroom of a buffet.
I really should sober up and deal with this hangover
It seems to be one of those life decisions I'm perfectly content never making though
She tried to ditch the cab before she payed but she forgot to grab her shoes and wake me up
she's drunk at 2 in the afternoon again. at least my mother is predictable.
My bathing suit kept falling whenever I went under a wave and this kid caught on and kept checking them out so I told him nothing comes free $5 a boob
I'm about to punish you for sending me a Snapchat of your boyfriend's morning wood
Note to self don't stop having sex during an earthquake! I call it a 6.1 orgasm!
I refuse to be socially acceptable any longer than what is needed to pick up chinese food.
Welcome aboard the S.S. struggle. I'll be your captain for today's voyage and Jeremy is your first mate. Just sit back and relax while we navigate the seas of drunken regret. Your forecast for the day is violently hungover with a chance of "shit, that really did happen!"
Upon further investigation my nipples are bruised and I have teeth marks all over.
You threw up everything but your ovaries.
I can’t shake the image of her gigantic black unibrow. It’s like I got a blowie from Eugene Levy
Randomize
