ask if his dick looks like a sausage. alex's bro told me that's a sure sign. btw took pain pills. maybe shouldn't listen to me.
Went to my car this morning. Found a waffle from Waffle House in the front seat. No idea how it got there. So hung over I ate it.
I ended up in a shower with 9 people and a bunch of unopened beer last night. I think I got peed on. Hands were everywhere. We sold the peed on beer to people knocking on the hotel room door.
Wow, now I'm sad I didn't go.
I swear, its like my old fuck buddies have a 6th sense for when I'm going to be daydrunk. Then they start texting me. And then I start sexting them
my roommate just showed me the scar on her forehead... that she got from a shake weight... That. just. happened.
I give you full permission to seriously injure me the next time I think it's a good idea to face a bottle of vodka
I received a sext from my girlfriend, and a deal for free chips and guacamole at chipotle at the same time. I have tasted heaven, and it is beautiful.
What the hell do you have that is more important than a GIANT WATER SLIDE?
I like that our conversation ended with "im gonna go get pregnant goodnight"
You walked up to me, grabbed my face and said "I just peed in the sink!"
Just bumped into my ex. Blowing a dude in the ladies' room at Disney World. I guess it really was her not me.
I accidentally left my shirt at my booty calls house. He washed it & hung it up for me in his closet. I can't decide if that's sweet or creepy
I got to walk around for eight hours wearing power armor and acting camp. No way I wouldn't love it.
She's kind of holyer-than-thou, like god himself came down and said "please cock block your roommate at every opportunity, and if you think she's thinking of sex, tell her she's a whore"
OMG LOOK AT THAT PIECE OF MAN
I haven’t trained for this.
Randomize
