And her vagina tasted EXACTLY like a slim jim
Just found out I have to work new year's eve. It's like one final 'fuck you' from 2009.
just realized we made a drinking game to how many times they say "hakuna matata" in the lion king last night... hello sophomore year.
As a matter of fact you told me i fulfilled your "woodshop teacher fantasy"
I feel like someone had their period in my eyes.
I'm sorry I got a little outta control last night.
This hurricane was the perfect excuse to buy 2 pounds of animal crackers and a case of beer. It's on Sandy.
Downloaded the Pocket Penguin app. There are now penguins living in my phone. Technology is wonderful.
My legs feel like baby dolphins
Just woke up to find that I'd left a stove burner on for the past 6 hours or so. I'm now banned from Ambien cooking.
Status: mom bitching about grandma not shutting the fuck up, while not shutting the fuck up. Dear Jesus give me strength or more bourbon.
his mom called during sex and he made me talk to her I think we're getting serious
PS I almost downloaded grindr to see if any guys wanted to buy me chinese food..
Ehh, the third backed out. Two still isn't bad. Who gets a bootycall to pick them up from a bootycall's house anyways? Only me.
im in DESPERATE NEED OF A COMPANION RIGHT NOW I’M MOTHER FUCKING TRIPPING SOLID GOLD BALLS
Donated a pint of blood at 6 and pub crawl started at 7. Thank your lucky stars I'm still alive today.
Randomize
