apparently went to arby's at 2:30am banging on the windows for someone to make me a "beefy"
the cashier at riteaid just made the sign of the cross before he rang up my pregnancy test. now i know god is on my side
So apparently after he gets hammered, falls down a set of stairs and gets a concussion, he can still come home and find a way to play his guitar solo bullshit as loud as possible while i seduce my date...
I have been way too involved with your nipples this weekend
Ohh man do you know how awkward it is to keep eye contact and have a normal conversation with someone while their hand is in your vagina?
it's almost 8pm and i'm still hungover. at what point do i alert someone?
I don't think I even want to know why you are sending my husband pictures of your nutsack.
Denis dont give a fuck, Denis drinks out of straws. Denis disregards the fire station & bought 18 fire hoses so he can fight it himself if the farmhouse is on fire.
Also I like this area. Lots of places for me to get tacos.
I may have just tried to argue quantum entanglement as the reason I was still in her bed.
Also I told several people at the bar last night that my dad the alligator wrestler died wrestling an alligator. So if anyone asks that's real.
Omg the world wants us to be better people
I refuse
I'm eating year old chocolate from the trash can. It was in a ziploc bag but still, this is a new low. Help me.
just threw up in a gas staton parking lot in front of a father and son. stared them in the eyes and finished like a boss
My penis definitely considers my Captain Cock costume a success
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