Totally saw a hot amputee. I think this is called character growth.
it was almost as awkward as hearing my parents on friday nights in 2 in the morning starting, and than hearing at 2:01 my dad getting up and my mom going "i should have married a man"
I hate myself for saying your mom and I have the same friday nights.
don't worry... so do I
Tonight I think I'm going to go out with a french braid so I don't wake up with puke hair. Thoughts?
And your mom thought you weren't even thinking about your future... she would be proud
how are pickles made is in the google history again... why do you always wonder that, and forget the answer?
I slept face down in the dirt because I wanted to go camping?
How do you have time to get laid so much in law school?
I like to set goals for myself. for example, he was my first libertarian
Let's turn this shoulder dislocation into a positive. Come to the hospital, bring some beers, let's party.
The smoke alarm went off as soon as we opened the closet.
That's what you get for drunk dialing me to ask what kind of flowers I like while outside of a strip club, after telling me you "made it rain"
The bellhop gave us weed in our keycard envelop. We went down to tip him and he apparently never gets that so he just gave us more weed. Kentucky is strange
You know you're old when tea and a hot bath are more appealing than beer pong with lesbians.
I might as well rub my vagina against it before I throw it away.
Was it you who made out with a toothless guy last night?
Can you bring me some underwear? I feel uncomfortable going underwear less at a Remembrance Day ceremony.
I don't particularly remember setting a firecracker off in my hand. No more tequila.
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