I wish my penis had an off switch
i just got a UPS package from a name and address i dont know, with one of my thongs in it. no recollection.
): 100 percent naked, unless you count a tiara as clothing.
why is it impossible to run with a back pack without looking like a giant d-bag?
haha... you gave me a great visual of you in high white socks running with a backpack with eye of the tiger playing in the background
that only happened once.
I managed to convince my mom that my hickey was a birth mark I have always had. She cried for an hour about being a terrible mother for never noticing it.
why is pumping your own stomach in your searches on youtube?
I'm drinking red wine & feeding anchovies to the dog. I'm really not picky about what kinda of company I'm in.
i just like, need to vent to someone
Can we skip the part where I pretend to care and fast forward to the appreciative blowjob from you?
He's just giving off this "someone be a bitch to me" vibe
So last night I learned something new. Whenever I drink beer out of a bottle a random guy buys me another one. It was like as soon as the glass hit my lips every guy in a 20ft radius got a hard on.
cool, get new shit, I dnt want the same old if it's my last drink ever
The world isn't ending you idiot. I'll grab beer
Dude the little bong I just got fits nicely in the cup holder in my car. The gods approve of my habits.
Please tell me I didn't send you a dick pic in the middle of Peter Pan..
I'm at 45 minutes post orgasm, and I still feel my insides spasming. Pretty sure I just fucked Superman.
I couldn't have possibly been that bad
You had her flip the penny over to the lucky side before you picked it up and ate it...
Randomize
