Theres a random in my bed. Omg but at least he's a law student?
you had a panic attack, pissed yourself, and started crying. you never go above the kiddie level of my lil bros schools haunted house ever again.
round 2?
EVER.
once the tequila comes in everyone elses feelings go out the window.
LA Sucks. The only way i can get laid is if i tell people im at a law firm that represent film producers.
And when they figure it out, they act like IM shallow.
Just woke up with 34 slim-jims in my pocket. Too afraid to check the others.
What part of i'm handcuffed to an oven do you not understand?
I've crashed the car, it's a write off. The police are here and I'm dressesd as a crayon.
I'm about to sell my hamster for weed money I'll call you in a few
I need to stop ravaging the freshman dorm like a virginity-snatching dragon.
I woke up in my own bed clutching a key to a Ramada in another state.
I'd like to be surprised that there's a picture of someone pouring champagne in my boobs on Instagram, but I can't.
My most recent midlife crisis involved eating a doughnut in 30 seconds but taking 5 minutes to do half a shot of whiskey, then deciding I wasn't going to finish it.
I found out Naomi Campbell and I have the same birthday and I feel like that explains so much
I'm honestly just now recovering from saint Patrick's day.
I went to a party last night....I stole all of their ornaments and the toaster oven.
Randomize
