the toilet has never flushed louder then when you sneak home drunk and try to avoid your parents hearing you puke.
there needs to be a "man fax report". like car fax. type in the guys name and bday and up pops all the bad shit he's ever done.
I sometimes forget that turkeys are alive even when its not Thanksgiving.
We'll make it into fun. If I can make wii bowling into a drinking game, I can make studying spanish into a sex game.
thats the mark of a good guy. when you can period all over his leg and he still thinks you're beautiful!
she asked me if i wanted her to take her wedding ring off while she was giving me a handjob.
Im only pretending to be his friend so I can sleep with his girlfriend.
I'm drinking beergaritas with a dog who is high and a baby
your completely serious
seriously considering responding to a craigslist ad for a lesbian cunninlingus instructor...at this point i'm so desperate for a job that i'm willing to switch teams.
There are panties and mini bottles of Fireball in my purse. Except for the broken toe incident, I'd say last night was probably a success.
Can I come take down that wallpaper yet? I stopped seeing that dude and I need to occupy my time with something besides getting drunk at bingo night and cussing out old people. Also, i'm not sure on the legal stipulations but I might have, unintentionally, committed grand theft auto at some point.
I think we ended 5-7 relationships as well this weekend...so another good stat
Have you ever looked at someone and thought…oh honey, you're too pretty for an ankle monitor
I am such a fucking liability at weddings. I ended up making out with this married 40-year-old that told me that basically if I came home with him and be a sex partner for him and his wife, I would never have to pay for anything again. Extremely considered it.
Anytime you wish.we are doing double shots in the kitchen,and I drank a beer in the shower,so...the sooner you get here,the sooner you can get on our level.
Randomize
