if all i could do was poop and smoke weed, i'd be eternally happy
amen to that sister
I have now hooked up with 8 of the Apostles. I have no idea where I'm going to find a guy named Bartholomew.
He just sent me a winky face in the middle of setting up a drug deal. You don't do that.
It's not quite a landing strip... It's more like a soul patch for my vagina.
she got kicked out of the bar for shoving german chocolate cake in the bartenders face. we were there less than a minute
So I'm drinking wine and watching Thumbelina
I'm teaching my cat to play fetch
Yep, it's a friday
I haven't received a dick pic from him lately. He's not even my boyfriend and I'm concerned. I hope he's alright.
You called me a pussy and continued to eat an entire jar of peanut butter with only your hand.
I don't think you understand what laundry day means. I am wearing a swimsuit as underwear and my spanish club tshirt from junior high
You're like Jane Goodall in a forest of gay men. Someday your autobiography will be called "Bottoms in the Mist".
Your exhaustion is probably due to your rampant sexual urges and the fact that you live the same life as a raccoon.
I just had sex with the megalodon show on in the background and it was just as magical as it sounds
It's election day and I was just tied up with an American flag scarf
So here's a tip: don't give a blowjob the same morning you're going to the dentist. Cuz they will think you have "mouth trauma."
who gets drunk at chipotle by noon and then gets kicked out? this chick.
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