How do you jack off and text at the same time?
On my iPhone they have an app for that
Would it be too much if i wore depends to new moon so i dont miss any of it?
I started the year with 2,800 dollars and am now down to 83 dollars-one of which i use to snort my focalin. I have given up on food and am perplexed as to how I can make 82 dollars last more than two weekends for booze
I need a horse. I don't think you can get a DUI on a living creature.
I woke up to my dog trying to clean my vagina.
I just found out my birth date is Pick Your Poison Day. Goodbye, conscience, forever. I was born to live like this.
Didn't get the job. Searched for my references on FB and saw the pic of me weighing my head passed out.
No The bastards made me buy a new one, They don't cover water damage an apparently they consider salsa water damage
I'm not saying you did or didn't sleep with him but he's has your thong hanging from his ceiling fan
Basically she credited me and my dick pic for boosting the moral of all the Safeway workers
Dont judge the spank bank, just be happy that you were deposited there.
Holy shit last night was like the irresponsible Olympics for me
Should I wear my "kiss me I'm highrish" shirt for my drug screen today?
1) break up with him. 2) feel bad. 3) fuck some other guy. 4) feel better. Boom! Life plan. You're welcome.
I just woke up with a cowboy hat on my face and a playboy from the 90s on my chest
Randomize
