I cant take that shot because i want my penis to stay hard.
There's a girl here with sideburns. I gave her your number, you can thank me later.
Just farted in public and tried to sniff it all up before anyone noticed...do you think that actually works?
he just voluntarily told me he was uncircumsized.. and that his favorite color was blue.
Just saw pictures of a pregnant teen from my hometown with an American flag wrapped around her naked body posted on FB without irony. These are my roots.
Did you fuck him in my garden last night?
That WOULD explain the dirt in my vagina
Between the uncertainly of my bowels today, and the distance the bar is to my house, remember I am doing this for you and our mutual appreciation of alcoholism.
Would you judge me if I made John grow a bush while he is in Cancun so he doesn't cheat on me?
You left a motherfucking bruise. ON MY TIT. How? How do you even. No.
I fell asleep with a half eating burrito in my hand and woke up to cat vomit with burrito in it.
I was just drinking but now I'm drinking and chasing with red bull. I call this "getting ready for work"
What is it about fresh air and wanting to talk about penises
Just packed a snack to eat on the way to McDonald's. That stoned.
Taking a shit in a Texas 7/11... not accepting phone calls now lol
let me wake up, find my pants, and find out where i am tommorow and ill get back to you on that
Randomize
