Hey look on the bright side if youre preg at least you know it and wont have it in a toilet
i fell asleep last night with fifteen animal crackers in my mouth. rock bottom dude.
ignore voicemail. the cock hath been unblocked.
You kept hiding marshmallows in the freezer saying "they would never think to look here"
Woke up on the floor with my glow stick in one hand & dollar bills in the other. Good. Morning.
I just had sex on a bear rug. My life is complete.
Does the blue bra belong to your sister or cousin?
All I remember from last night is petting the broom with my feet and feeling like I was standing on a horses head
Throwing up in the car while my mom drives, sister holds the bag & my dad holds my hair. This is how my family bonds.
Right now I'm standing in front of my fridge, drinking wine out of the bottle and eating cold steak with my hands. I am THE BEST at being single.
If we're single and alone together, the fuck angels shall sing upon our nude bodies.
You know, part of me wants to die and the other part of me doesn't want to live
Tried to shave my legs but the rug burn on my knees from last night got in the way.
Eating breakfast at 1:30 in the afternoon stark naked is how everyone should live
I just found a live peacock hanging out behind the bar. I coerced it into my car and now I have a peacock bro that lives with me.
Randomize
