Phrase i just heard while watching the U.S. open: "Boy they have really trimmed it well, this has got to be the tightest hole in the Open."
you went around and groping mens pants to see "which was worthy" of you to go home with.
i don't think my family understands the severity of a twenty first birthday.
I just ate a whole pineapple for lunch. You should be begging to give me a bj tonight.
He was singing Justin Beiber while we did it. I love secure Spanish men
If my thighs hurt from cage dancing last night, I can only imagine how yours feel
He bought me Ben & Jerrys and then apologized for the fact that he was going to fall asleep before we could have sex
Sorry I pissed in your dining room and kicked your best friend in the face while he was passed out.
Him cheating on his girlfriend resulted in a $1500 hospital bill from repeated blows to his testicles by my ass. They diagnosed his pain as "testicle trauma". Sex karma at it's finest.
we used the fire extinguisher you had been cuddling with to decorate the cop car while they were inside arresting everyone
She told me to pick her up in the corner of shame and self-disgust.
I went through my entire iTunes library and made a playlist called "Feelings". I have 7.5 hours of feelings.
Apparently I had 2 bloody noses and after my sis put me to bed at the hotel, I escaped and my sister's friend found me in an elevator with some guy
I'm ready to run through the streets naked yelling "HES ALIVE!"
Look, if it comes down to it, I’m spraying whipped cream on your nuts
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