i just told my boss to make it rain at camelot later...what is wrong with me?
you really are a gigantic fucking slut.
sidenote: just remembered sarcasm does not translate through text
it's probably a bad thing that i wasn't even offended, huh?
Going to eat lunch. Bunch of people in church clothes, and we are hungover, wearing pajamas, and in real danger of puking on the floor. We're about to destroy the ambience of this joint.
You just begged me to mute the porn and watch her ass bounce while listening to dubstep the whole time.
Chasing tequila with honey. Ill let you know how it turns out.
Text me if you also stopped reading harry potter in the 4th grade and wanna go to the bars tonight instead of the midnight premiere
Sorry the STD update turned into an attempt at a bootycall, but at least we both know we're clean now
I feel like I ran a fucking marathon on my knees last night and there are bruises to prove it.
i feel like there is just so much pressure to sex him up, its like the weight of the world is on my vagina.
You need to come back and help me drink our beer so the fridge has room for the other beers
The maid moved your bed and found almost 40 used condoms and wrappers. She just looks at me and says "Dave?"
Vasectomy results are in. No swimmers in the water. REPEAT. No swimmers in the water. Come help me harness my new found super-power
Why do my weekends always degenerate into using my little brothers childrens board games for drinking games?
Ur creepiness is now affecting my life and I'm not okay with it
we were waffle house and a lady told me her imaginary friend was sitting in the chair next to her. i don't feel so trashy now.
Randomize
