It took him longer to remove his skinny jeans than it did for him to finish. I didn't even have time to realize it sucked until it was already over.
is there a legit reason for the weird voicemail I got at 2:14am?all I could make out was 'help me' 'two hours' and 'toilet butt'. wtf did u drink.
she said she's never had and orgasm AND she's a cubs fan...ouch.
he obviously didn't care that i was sleeping and dreaming about ellen degeneres knitting me a christmas sweater.
I saw him on the jumbotron, its like god doesnt want me to forget his tiny penis
She definitely pulled a diaper out of her purse and cleaned up the vodka with it, where do you meet these people?!
It's total crap. On a side note I watched a porn of 4 guys wrestling in chocolate then messing around with each other. It was like a dream come true
I'm sitting on our balcony drunk. And in my underwear. Our relationship with our neighbors may improve.
Bad things happen to those who bang their lab partner at the beginning of the semester.
I think if you have sex on the couch it will psychologically damage it.
The last two times I had sex with him I forgot who it was half way through
Update: drank half a bottle of Bourbon and texted three ex's. Waiting for the roommates to go to sleep so I can raid the fridge.
You know you're stoned when you tell your dog you're stoned only to realise he's not in the pickup
I need to start dating older women. We tried sexting and she used more emojis than actual words. It was so bad that I did the math...her messages were 54% emoji. No one should make me feel this old when I'm only 28.
his mom walked in while he was eating me out. and my vag was facing the door. luckily his face was in it.
Randomize
