Fyi mom and I voted and you're the DD tonight, congratulations
He cummed in my mouth, then said he had to go because his best friend broke his foot falling off of a balcony, put twenty dollars in my hand and was gone before I could even swallow...
Listen. I'm a changed woman. I have no problem using him for sex.
I want to be done crawling through windows but the sex is too good to stop...but I'm running out of excuses for where the bruises on my legs are coming from.
I'm sorry I murdered your sperm with my alcohol saturated Olympic uterus.
So we just smoked a bowl, out of an antler, with this old dude, while standing at the bar. Dude just walked up and said we were in his spot, just began packing it and handing it around...
let me just inform you that suppository-ing xanax is glorious
I repeat do not go to a jail visit drunk, those stools are easy to fall off.
Bringing my cat to a booty call was not my finest hour
Maybe whip a sausage around while you do it and pour some beer on you. Like a German white snake video
Well yeah. But im not sure i trust the black out drunk high girl giving life advice
After an orgasm, I always feel the urge to sing A Whole New World from the move Aladdin and I'm not quite sure why.
That reminds me of the morning I woke up on the sidewalk covered in chicken wings
He played with my nipples while singing "How great thou art"
my mom asked me why i was covered in scratches, blood, and dirt this morning..i answered "i was planking obviously" and walked away
Randomize
