woke up 7 floors down in the lobby...i my underwear. New high or new low?
New experience?
Get condoms and clear your schedule for the night. I'm bringing chinese food!
so let's talk penis.
You know you're on day 1 of your period when the new mcdonalds commercial makes you cry
I. Put. Them. Back. We are NOT making a habit of jail visits.
Because you stood over the Ice luge screaming STONE COLD and poured beer on everyone
It's almost like a boob-text, but it's not. Because it was live. And you were showing a bunch of people.
I had a 10 minute conversation with the refrigerator, it was telling me how it likes to be opened and closed. Ecstasy, I love you.
I feel like your dick pick is everywhere. Never have I needed to be so careful when posting pictures.
Don't be surprised if I hand out mini dildos on Halloween
I'm currently sitting at your kitchen table eating chicken nuggets that I dug out of the trash and thinking about how much I need to get laid.
I will be DAMNED if anyone but me breastfeeds my cat.
At the light, his mom pulled up next to us while I was giving him road head. He forgot to tell me she was meeting us at the movie. So long story short, I convinced her I drove myself, pick me up in 20.
A condom just fell out of me. Happy Tuesday.
My boss asked me to pass over one of my business cards and instead I had condoms fall out of my wallet, how’s your day going??
Randomize
