Dude, the girl next to me just farted. Worst part, it smells like astroglide
LETS GET FUCKED UP IN ONESIES TONIGHT.
I worry about you sometimes...
just to let you know coffee and vodka was a bad way to start the day
my mom used to put diet coke in my bottle. i can pretty much handle anything.
We should probably just have a threeway and get everyone on the same page.
The guy I fucked last night is well worth up the ass tuition. I just wish I could tell dad thanks!
Even my Russian and Serbian roommates think I drink to much.
Call 911 I'm faking my own death so this fat chick leaves my room
90 persent of me said don't pee on that fake plant. Buyt i did
I'm pretty sure I had my drunk fortune told by a gay Miss Cleo last night. At least it's advice sober me can agree with.
I need to stop ravaging the freshman dorm like a virginity-snatching dragon.
I just walked in on my sixteen year old sister soaking her tampon in vodka. I go to Berkeley. And they think she's the good daughter.
I'm training him to sit when I whistle the tune from the hunger games. I'm going to be the coolest parent ever.
We're having play-off hate sex for a sport I don't even understand. Go USA!
They forgot my ranch. They're dead to me.
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