Im partying with a unicorn. You don't even know.
so stoned i ashed in my jack and coke like 4 times. drinking it anyway
under NO circumstances is it acceptable to fist pump to taylor swift
This is worse that I thought. He's playing violin for me.
A hangover is a type of food poisoning. Makes me feel better about calling out of work.
it was either a cry for help or you were gargling vodka. we didnt care either way.
I think the 8 yr old is hitting on me and they just prayed for the salvation of third world countries
I think the moment I knew you were going to black out was when I told you how many shots you had already and you were shocked and then poured another one
But you can't tell me I give the best blow jobs and then not break up with your girlfriend who has fucking TMJ! Come on!
I'm shotgunning a 12 pack at a bus stop. This is why we pay the rent with an auto withdrawal at the beginning of the month
Like an undercooked grilled cheese that got cold again. But hairy.
And there goes my desire for sandwiches. Forever.
You're the only one to love me enough for me to admit the following: Rock-bottom sounds like sobbing to a Miley Cyrus song.
I vaguely remember us chasing shots by licking each other's faces last night. Our friendship has reached another level completely.
I'm sorry I put my balls through your watch. On another note your roommate had them on his shoulder too sry
I'm a grown ass woman. Treat me like one. Fuckboy
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