who do you think you are?
someone who doesn't ask that question
my dad just told me that a lesbian kissed my mom at a bar last year
Dude, I totally just put a lit lighter to my hand for 10 seconds
How much beer did you get for it?
One ice cold coors, but those mountains lied
Not good, Ive never been this late. We need to talk.
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okay so i know you are missing your wallet but at least its not your tooth. i am missing my tooth.
It wasn't until i was on my knees with three dicks in my face that i thought it might be a bad idea
I have some memory of taking a dump in a guitar case.
My niece just unknowingly cock blocked me. Obviously, someone won't be getting a christmas present this year.
I'm the fucking queen of sexting. I just made a blowjob sound so poetic I'm wishing I were a guy just so I could blow me. Learn from me.
Drunk puking in my bathtub has plugged it up for the third time this year. I hate these calls to my landlord.
I actually took a sword out of your hands. You were samurai slashing lemons to make chasers.
I can't believe he's mad at you for not remembering your fake anniversary.
Why is there cereal literally EVERYWHERE?
It didn't follow directions.
I just realized I have a habit of pre gaming for therapy visits. Problem?
We'll discuss it when you get here
You don’t need a wing man if you have a solid hook up on the pumpkin pie
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