my dad brought home flowers.. so i started talking to them
Hurry up I might actually study if I am left alone
dude sorry but u no that when a guys 'likes' ur pic on facebook it only means he was just jacking off to it.
She's in the middle of blacking out but is singing Mariah carey songs. Hitting every note.
I think your going to be the cause of an awesome death
Did you just say he wants to put a baby inside me?
Our date was amazing and I would like to reward you with a blow job under your desk.
I can pencil you in at 3:30
I'm still in my ugly sweater and underwear drinking coffee next to a plate of assorted treats we stole from the party. I got a new sweater by the way, its shoulderpad-y and looks like a news anchor got thrown up on by Liberace. I'm pretty proud.
If you get home and there is an older woman there, its my mom. She wants to come and see the place after work. Just an FYI. Not the older sluts I bang.
My brother really should've known better than to make me go egg hunting with his daughter when I was entirely too drunk to do so. Threw up in a plant in front of her.
My phone just put together a highlight reel of yesterday's dick pic session, set to music and everything
I just met a stripper in the light of day who I ate a candy bikini off her body. This is how my weekend is going.
i am no longer ashamed when i walk into the dining hall for sunday brunch and i'm greeted with applause for suriving my weekend
How'd your date go last night?
Well I blacked out at 1:30 and woke up naked in not-my-date's bed with an uneaten Jimmy John's sandwich.
I don't wanna be 33 that's when Jesus died
Randomize
