so my mom just told me that she wouldnt pick me up and take us to taco bell at 3AM...
The world needs more lipstick lesbians, if anything.
he kept kneeing me like he was playing footsies... only then i realized it was his dick.
I just answered "If only I knew" for a quiz in criminology, she loved it. I got an A
if you were drunk and peed in your friend's washing maching, would you send an "i'm sorry" text or say nothing at all?
all hypothetical of course
i'm surprised you didn't wake up. like i literally came when he was fingering me as i was spooning with you and all you did was mumble "that's a good idea, mom" and pull the sheets away from me.
dude I just got a noise complaint from my apartment people for loud sexual activities. I'm framing this for sure
I knew it would be an interesting night when he showed up at my house on a scooter wearing a six foot american flag as a cape.
The low-flow toilet at my office cannot handle the intensity of this hangover.
Dude it's huge. I don't usually like looking at those things, but you're kind of forced to stare that horse in the face.
Basically taped my dick down because it's too obvious in this costume...
Holy sore nipples Batman
Shut up. The only friend I need in life is Jim Beam because life is meaningless.
I may have interrupted sex but im bringing them both to McDonalds. Am I not the greatest older sister ever?
Like did he really think I just hit him up for dick !? It's 11:30 am , these ain't hoe hours
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