listen. just hotwire a car, take off the license plate, make up a new one on a sheet of paper and go the speed limit. i do it like, at least 3x a week.
She's like Mona Lisa when she's intoxicated. No one understands her but they all think she's marvelous
You are two creepy Justin Bieber quotes away from me not talking to you for the rest of the day
If I had a pelvic thrust emoticon, I would use it
is it bad that I didn't wash the cum out of my hair because it keeps my curls intact?
It's only 11:30 and she's already making friends with the homeless...
Some rando is vomiting profusely into the garden outside the employee entrance. Where are you when things like this happen to me?
Vomiting outside the employee entrance
So I saw the nuva ring just lying on the counter at Planned Parenthood...did u know it's just a ring? I could go to the Dollar tree buy a plastic bracelet and shove it up there instead.
You do that. Then go have lots of unprotected with your harem of booty calls and see how that works out for you.
Every time I roll over in bed I land on a different vibrator. I feel I'm the only one with this problem.
Oh wait looks like my cousin is getting deported THERE'S HOPE FOR THIS CHRISTMAS YET
I need something for rope burns and an inner ear infection. Separate incidents, FYI..
I told him to come over when I realized that I did have time for a quick booty call before church.
He's attempting to seduce me with thanksgiving-themed sexual metaphors... It's working.
We should buy t shirt guns and blow eggs out of them at his house. Bachelorette party
I wish you could just Google "people I've had sex with" and they would all just come up
I just lost my handcuff virginity and not in the sexy way.
Randomize
