she wrote "SORRY" in her vomit and left
I just walked in on my roommate beating off with no pants on, an unbuttoned hawaiian shirt and a cowboy hat, and he weights 300 pounds
You put a nerf gun to his head and demanded him to take you to taco bell..
You going to have to be more specific than the night we blew an 8ball off the toilet..
i tried to knight her with my dick. she said it was unromantic. what an ungrateful attitude for a knight.
This little shit keeps eating the playdoh so i replaced the green with wasabi from work. Wonder what his parents are gonna think when he burns his soft palette?
You can't just call animal control when you're drunk because there is a bug in the shower.
Question: should I be considering heels or is this the kind of night where I should plan on falling on my face regardless of my choice of footwear?
Whoa, I am aware of WAY too many squirrels right now...
I'm surprised they let us keep partying at that hotel bar, that's like the 3rd time I've had to try blocking the view of him peeing off the balcony. I earn my free drinks.
Monday afternoon and I'm still hungover from Valentine's Day. I think I'm winning at the single life.
The contents of my fridge consist of alcohol, Nuva ring, and cheesecake. I'm that girl.
On a serious note, don't let me forget to tell you about firecracker baseball. I'm glad I have my fingers. I had to count them.
In other news I was masturbating last night and came really fucking hard to the thought of yelling at a customer....
FYI brushing your teeth & taking off your makeup does not erase the shame from the night before
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