u know what's depressing? a picture of an owl without a graduation cap
the level of his annoyance + every insult he makes = the closer I am to telling him im fucking his ex
Shaving your vagina at 8 months pregnant is not an easy chore.
Her directions to the house party: "the north star will guide you, turn left. I'm wearing the potato hat"
You could say the cab driver was less than excited when we called his personal cell phone at 4am for directions back to our hotel after having blacked out at the club
His wife found out about our affair the same day he got fired for it.
I don't know what kind of soup they made, but it smells like condoms.
But it's ok cause then I turned my tequila blanket into a tequila comforter and I felt no pain
So im waiting for someone at grand central and i look up AND THE ENTIRE BALCONY IS FILLED WITH BOY SCOUTS I AM TERRIFIED
he apologises profusely for spelling mistakes in his texts but doesn't care about cheating on me. priorities
Yess he was literally so drunk that like at one point I'm pretty sure he thought it was hard and in when neither were true :/ haha
The selfie stick gets 5 stars bc it really added a fun element to my sex tape
i'm licking honey sensually off my arm while alone in my room. what has my life come to
Have you ever looked at someone and thought…oh honey, you're too pretty for an ankle monitor
doc says my ankle might be broken, they're going to do xrays. He asked me what happened and I told him if he could find out that would be great.
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