It's such a good feeling to send those "I'm not in jail" texts on Sunday morning
Well I just walked into a wedding reception and im currently eating a cannoli in the men's room while pissing
I was paranoid that someone would jizz in my hair while I had the cucumbers over my eyes. Super-High Spa Day didnt work out.
Just got cockblocked by my GF's wedding shower... That's a first. And I have to buy a gift.
I bought something for you today. You'll love it.
What is it? Drugs?
I woke up in a tow truck cuddling plan b. Can you pick me up?
I have six new people in my phone that I don't remember adding. One of them is "Bourbon Yeah." Successful evening?
Yay! Also. When you're coming down eat waffles and touch yourself. You won't regret it.
Im pretty sure breakfast wine is a thing, and if it isn't, I just invented it
My vagina is no longer accepting new clients.
her fuck buddy was butt ass naked in our kitchen making waffles but they tasted so bomb
you made it your goal to puke in every planter around the union. you got most of them. im proud of you
Dude get over here. Steven brought super soakers filled with colored vodka.
what happened last night?!
you took a shot and then laid down on our kitchen table and passed out.. then when we tried to move you to the couch you screamed "no! i love tables"
LOOK AT HOW SMOOTH THIS BITCH IS
Randomize
