I fell off the front porch last night. Actually.. I dove. I dove off the front porch.
i think the cat found all the blow we lost...
I just opened a bottle of wine with a shoe and a tube of mascara. Get on my level
When his Irish accent comes out my uterus hums. Or some productive organ down there, I'm not sure of the logistics
We're stealing the mannequin. He's my new swimming partner.
It's official, I need to start putting my vagina's needs before my own.
Why did my little sister call me from your phone this morning?
Things like this can't be explained over text man
And then we made hashbrowns with vodka and queso.
I wish I could just hang out in ERs.
We got the DJ into it too! "If there are any dudes into other dudes out there, my man mark is looking to get pounded. Buy him a drink stat!"
HE TALKS ABOUT HIS DICK IN THIRD PERSON ABORT MISSION ABORT FUCKING MISSION
I need to be put in a corner surrounded by pamphlets of stds and babies
She says the reason I don't talk to her is because I'm "emotionally lazy" what ever that means
I was masterbating to some porn on my phone and my mom decides to text me "are you okay?" I mean i was doing great until you cock blocked me mom..
He can't say no, it's my spiritual goddamn quest.
Randomize
