I think horse shit smells the best of all shits.
He's a fan of Alicia Keys on Facebook. It doesn't NEED to say 'interested in men'.
He came on my chin and called me cumbledore. i give up.
I got kicked out of an open bar wedding reception. The bride "felt threatened" by my presence. Not my fault she's ugly
It's what America was founded on: former hookups referring you for a job four years later.
Your christmas gifts are already wrapped, how on top of my shit am I?
I'm hungover as fuck and had to break into my own house by throwing a cinder block through my back door at 4am. You're more on top of your shit than me.
After i black out, be a good friend and point me to the direction of a girl with daddy issues, any girl would do just fine
I may or may not have hooked up with the cop who arrested me.. Or I can cross hooking up with a stripper in a cop outfit off my bucket list.
And the 'kicked out of Xmas party' trophy goes to me. 3rd nomination, first win.
Whiskey. Because sometimes it's fun to have your hands go numb.
I don't want to just hook up with random dudes. I've had enough bad sex to know that it's not worth hooking up with strangers
It's not?
I did put on a shirt to start the night, right?
Last night was fun. Sorry I slipped out before you woke up
Also, your parents get up REALLY early. Please thank them for the bagel and travel mug of coffee. Happy Thanksgiving!
I showed up drunk and covered in glitter, smelling like stale booze and dirty stripper and my younger brother gave thanks his life wasn’t a shitshow like mine
That’s how my thanksgiving went
From now on I'd like to be known as Rampage.
Randomize
