I'm trashed wearing your mom's snuggie. She says hello.
Nope we're in the ER. He lit himself on fire trying to impress another girl with magic tricks.
Just met me in 10 years...this lady keeps an emergency wine cooler in her bag
I took his sheets with my when I left seeing that I underestimated my period. Also grabbed a 6-pack out of the fridge because breakfast is the most important meal of the day & I don't do other peoples laundry for free.
Yes but that point is quickly negated bc u should never have to search more than one room to find your underwear.
He was crying because he hiccuped every time he kissed me. We then crawled to the kitchen because neither of us could stand, and I spoon-fed him peanut butter "to cure his ailment."
I made a bet with her that she would show me her tits if I finished my beer. Only on spring break.
are you just inviting me because you can't afford an actual stripper?
When the nurse referred to my vag as "your downstairs", I knew I found the perfect Doctors office.
If I had 3 wishes one would for sure be a designated driver for life that gives hand jobs.
Sheila knows I only go down on her on Bastille Day. Valentine's Day we get high and watch The Neverending Story. THE SYSTEM WORKS.
11% beer and firearms, what could possibly go wrong?
Can you please stop having such an active social life? I'm tryna get fucked over here
SOME DUDE PUT OUT FOR A MCCHICKEN AND YET YOU STILL WON'T FUCK ME
got a free grilled cheese. Didn't even have to talk about Jesus
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