I woke up this morning under my fitted sheet and my legs through the sleeves of my sweater.
My boss just called me into his office to apologize for being an "inadvertant cockblock"
I havent dry-humped that much since freshmen year. Forgot how good it doesnt feel.
im going to live freely with my legs opened and my heart closed
...She then said get into the spirit and started making firecracker noises while having sex
I found his retainer in my ass crack. It smells like shame.
Dude. Remember the only two rules I set for that? Always have a sober friend and don't do drugs with a fat chick.
I'm going to try to be reasonable tonight and keep my drink count out of double digits
he had me stop mid-blow job to make me use my phone to id a song on the radio..
i wasnt really sure how to responde to that.
Don't. You get on the 18 year old. I'll get on the 38 year old. Together we will bridge 2 decades of cock.
After I was arrested and in the back of the squad, she lit a cig. I politely stuck my head through the glass opening and asked for a drag. She instantly slammed my head back, blew smoke at me and shut the glass. My view on state trooper chicks is forever tainted.
Turns out the average person our age has never run from the cops. Life: we're doing it right.
You came out of your room naked under your open robe with a mouth full of brownie on a stick and grabbed a fistful of fruit loops and shoved them into your already full mouth.
YOU DONT EAT A GIRL OUT AND THEN GO PUKE ASSHOLE
I did a line of coke with my ex tonight. Talk about memories
Randomize
