He drunk dialed T-Mobile at 3am and talked to them for 45 minutes and got his phone bill lowered from $80 to $60... Best drunk dial ever.
Her brother was practicing the clarinet....it was like having sex in a starbucks
Instead of centeral air we are getting a margaritaville machine. Thought you would enjoy our logic
Omg I just met another drunk guy that is teaching me karate
I don't understand how she could dump me AFTER we had shower sex. I'm fucking great at shower sex
we were at work and Infront of the whole bar you yelled. "JAKE I WANNA GET FUCKED TONIGHT!" Us day drinking > everyone else
My mom just sent me this: "I like Jon, but he needs to be the one going down on you! Yeah, we saw your head pop up in your car last night."
It's 4/20 of course I'm going to smoke in the portapotty and be ripped outta my mind at the lung cancer walk.
I'm gonna look back at these days one day and be like "damn I shoulda been turnt but I was in bed instead watching netflix"
I'm now consulting a magic eight ball on all major life decisions. On another note I think I have chlamydia.
We fucked like animals on that lion king beanbag chair that your mom got you for your 10th bday
You texted him 17 times. Asking for him back and sending random pictures of Jimmy Buffett. He didn't answer.
I get dinner and bf perks from the one guy. But dick with no commitment from the other. I’m living my best life.
I snuck a teenager into a club last nite, I felt like such a criminal. It was Awsome
That ass isn’t going to eat itself.
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