I just found out I have a small penis.
Couldn't you tell by how you've NEVER had a girlfriend?
I've come to realize that after waking up this morning for work no one wins in bar dice.
Apparently I was so drunk I threw my entire wallet at the stripper on stage. That was the third time I should've gotten kicked out.
Someone's having a good night if they're getting gummi bears and Astroglide.
I kind of feel like BP. I'm dressed in green and absolutely horrible for the environment.
I NEED TO GET TO THE PLAYGROUND. I JUST NEED TO SWING. IF I SWING MAYBE THE SMELL WILL COME OFF OF ME. I NEED TO SWING
You're fucking beautiful as shit and we should have loving sex...
Don't you judge us. Sockets make ideal bowls
I almost got on a bus to Langley Air Force Base. 99% sure that's not where I wanna be.
I traded my pants for a Santa hat last night and it was so worth it.
I've decided that buying my first unused mattress has been my first major step into real adulthood.
I don't know why I bit your face last night but I'm sorry .
I drank beer out of a Frisbee and it was all downhill from there...
Apparently I gave a guy a hand job on the dance floor. ON THE DANCE FLOOR.
Found Ryan’s keys in the fridge. On my way back.
Also, tell him he missed Nathan passing out in the dryer.
Randomize
