I was just curling my hair topless and I just burned my nipple. Ouch.
seriously iPhone. stop autocorrecting all my fucks into ducks. you're making all my strong worded texts look harmless and adorable.
I heard from multiple reliable sources that she doesn't have a gag reflex. Of course I'm going to try to go home with her.
it was a frathouse cornucopia of foul mixed drinks and "sangria", which im convinced was blood and pcp
What does puking wasabi feel like?
Like snorting cocaine backwards.
Woke her up in the middle of the night with the smell from a fart. So proud of my colon.
Hit a new low. I'm FB stalking him while he is lying in bed sleeping naked next to me. He fell asleep with FB still open and unlocked on his iPad.
what compelled you to fill her bra with pudding and freeze it in the first place?
i might remember if i didn't get knocked out with it later that day.
Pregnancy test = positive. Hope you still have our old guess who game 'cause daddy elimination begins now.
I was stuffing my vagina with gummy bears last night having him eat them out of me. Team Haribo for the win!
I'm by the tree and the Dora the explorer balloon .. Look for the Dora the explorer balloon
Remember earlier when I was excited about finding that birth control pill in my purse? Definitely acid.
I've got a bottle of water, a bag of salad greens, and a bottle of hot sauce. How stoned do you think I am?
She just kept feeding people pretzels and sayying "You're such a good goldfish."
I hooked up with a sophomore, passed out at midnight, and apparently drunkenly peed on Nicole's wedding invitation
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