Does your gf have any friends she can hook me up with?
Better looking than her though please.
i just dedicated my kegstand to your breasts
I was just on craigslist and saw and ad for a naked yoga instructor. I will no longer be jobless.
Woke up with 3 sports bras for underwear. Valiant effort drunk me.
Honestly, I've had enough of his asshole to last me the new year.
Please tell me you're talking about his personality.
Dude I just ripped my new jeans climbing out the window so his booty call wouldn't realize I was home. Being his roommate should come with hazard pay
She thinks Jesus was an astronaut.
Kriste-san. Brian-sensai going to sleepy times acturry. Kriste-grasshopper will spend fun-fun times with Brian-sensai and glorious redbox movie tomorrow yes?
Most creative movie date proposition... ever.
Haha he's lucky I don't kick him back into the land of the majestic handjobs
SOS... STANDING IN THE BAR NEXT TO MY BF AND THE GUY WHO I HOOKED UP WITH ON CHRISTMAS DAY..
there is a smiley face on my leg painted in blood
I'm pretty sure that's yours.
I figured you were on something. You're way too happy right now to be sober
If you dont get laid dressed as Woody Harrelson in Zombieland, I have lost all faith in the men of nw Indiana.
You threw away your W2 to make more room in your purse for liquor.
WAIT YOU’VE NEVER BEEN TO COSTCO???
COSTCO IS MAGICAL
I can’t believe you two made a group text to scream at me about Costco.
Randomize
