Did u get laid? I went and bought lube and fleshlighted it while moaning ur name the whole time.
I see lights
Your drunk and in times square. Time to take the 2 train home.
Is it awkward that I've slept with every guy in this room?
Only if they know about it too.
note to self..putting cheap vodka in a bottle of grey goose does not make it taste better
I'm reducing my diet to vodka and rice cakes.
you told grandpa to call you daddy
...then she kept trying to make balloon animals with my flacid penis. I'm never drinking whisky with you again.
Pitting the remainder of the bottle against my hangover. I'm expecting an all out cage match for my soul and wellbeing.
Is it weird that I Facebook creep hot people from their credit card receipts?
Being single for so long makes me fucking creepy.
Our first crop came in on the day that they added Hercules to Netflix Instant, I think it's the universe telling us that it approves of us growing shrooms in our guest room.
She was about to leave with you until you started singing "You Hoes Ain't Loyal" in her face
I'll bring your "congrats on finally banging" cookies tomorrow, I'm exhausted.
I need vodka mixed w a bit of holy water right now
Apparently this establishment won't let you rent a sailboat if you have been drinking rum all morning
Like, bro, how do you think I got the idea to go sailing
Cats are difficult to handle. Also they are impossible to baptize.
Randomize
