Hey its my first time.
I think you mean "it's my first time"
Iced coffee. Banana. Two dumps. Life is good.
Every time I type "should" my phone autocorrects to "shouldn't". even my phone knows my ideas are terrible.
We had to coat check the pizza.
She looks like if Peter Griffin was a lesbian.
Run away.
i sent you a picture of beads you send me a picture of boobs how hard is this to understand
Imma do me. And by that, I mean I'm going to walk across campus still drunk at 9am on a Tuesday.
On my way home from the dentist. Was going to call and see if you would like to wake and bake, then remembered my sister is an adult
My car has a permanent smell of sex to it now.
Just Peed in a cup for my country. Fighting the good fight.
tbh i just wanted to fuck a guy with forearm tattoos but then he was so FORWARD about it
I've given up on the male species, I'm just going to be a lonely whore for the rest of my life.
Yeah, oh and the story gets better. His friend was dressed as a christmas tree wrapped in twinkle lights and had to plug himself in the wall all night.
YOU WAXED MY CAT YOU SICK FUCK
Aww well I’m kinda unsober so probably best
Randomize