im too high. i could barely wash my hair, let alone handle a whole shower
It doesn't count as drinking alone if you're making rum cake with it.
he told me not to treat him like a child and then started peeing off the trampoline
Is it too early to start a donation jar for my 4th of july hospital bills?
I got kicked out of the hotel after wandering into the banquet kitchen at 2am trying to find the shrimp....so we're power napping in the car and then driving to madison.
What happened to my knees?
You ate shit in front of the homeless people. They applauded.
Never play truth or dare with a girl who carries a dildo in her purse. I'll never go to a Denny's again.
The spirit of America is being too hungover to celebrate America right?
I told her to to let go of her rationtal thoughts and just enjoy the fact that i was going down on her till she passed out from sheer orgasmic pleasure.
Something I can get at drive through, boobs out, don't want to get out of the car
I accidentally gave my prayer card to the bouncer. Clearly a cry for help #saveme
Sometimes you wanna cuddle and sometimes you wanna get blown in the bathroom.
She was blacked out on the couch MASTURBATING and whispering to her boyfriend...who wasn't there. I yelled her name and she didn't even pause.
I haven't listened to news as I've been having lesbian sex all night. Anything new?
Just to let you know we went to the circus yesterday...in case you didn't remember
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