Taljing aboutpenisrs w gerruly ska pops
My psychiatrist is "consulting" others. I am high-achieving nuts.
Last night drunk me texted a sure to be hungover me my class schedule and locations for today. I'm like a mom preparing her child for the first day of school
I havent jerked off in so long, my dick literally prevented me from rolling over in my sleep this morning. new definition of painful?
just balanced a champagne glass on my gut. thanks to beer im a living breathing tempur-pedic mattress.
Do you think we're allowed to sign male strippers into the building with a valid id?
I've been smelling a baby wipe for three minutes. I didn't think I was that drunk but I guess I am
Attempted to dodge my boyfriends cum last night and ended up falling off the bed and getting the worlds most painful charlie horse. fuck my life.
You know you've got awesome issues when the main deciding factor of whether or not to cut your nails depends on nacho consumption in the near future
It takes a special kind of man to fart REALLY loudly right before entering a woman and still get some. This has been a state of bootytown address.
Apparently I've told this bouncer I stalk him on Instagram 3 times. I should stop drinking. I only remeber saying it tonight. early sign of Alzheimer's
He pulled a bucket of fried chicken out of his backpack as a peace offering. Under the chicken was a rainbow bag of weed. We're dating again.
Omg my butt feels so much better. Those suppositories are magic. It feels like Jesus fingered me in my sleep.
my sex drive just dried up, fell out, and is rolling on the floor somewhere.
Well, I'm most mad that he lied to you (about being married)...but the CAT THING IS A CLOSE SECOND
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