real busy. everything is packed. thats why we ended up at the strip club
I have glitter on my penis. Do you know anything about this?
Talk about awkward... Just went to dinner with my mother and realized I fucked our waiter the night before. She HAD to see the looks he was giving me!
I tapped out to boredom. She bought me a full meal at Subway. Two tap beers and a pretty weak long island iced tea. I'm five dollars cheaper to fuck than she is.
The only way I could have failed my exam worse is if there would have been a drug test portion
It took me 6months to figure out that he only had one testicle.
Any coincidence your getting married tomorrow and it's the most predicted day for the rapture? Just saying
Party was cancelled. Me and my dog are high as tits. Wanna go roam the outlet mall?
It's gonna be ok. As we grow older we sometimes lose sight of what's important to us. Like safe sex. And standards.
Can we just smoke a few bowls and eat grilled cheese while drunk in our hotdog suits at 9am ?
I totally intended to come to the hotel, but I woke up in a parking lot
The struggle is real.
Getting dome in the backseat of a friends car with Ariana Grande playing in the background was probably the most romantic part of my night
Woke up this morning with girl, I ask her for some gum. She says "there's a guest toothbrush for the boys in my bathroom". I can't decide whats worse, that she has a shack brush or that I actually used it
Yeah but him not going to be sleeping in your sink this time.
Either my apartment is haunted or I'm far more drunk than I thought
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