I feel like your standards for women is like rent-a-centers standards for credit.
This is a drunk text message. I am so glad that we are friends. Tomorrow we will eat sandwiches in miniature. We both love dogs. Flower.
One of us needs to be functional tomorrow and it won't be me. I'm drinking liquor out of a fishbowl.
Best dream ever last night. You moved here. Your Spanish name meant highway. Your favorite food was styrofoam.
Should have told me the night we were talking about deal breakers that vomming outside your car was one of them. I would have taken a cab back
Smoked a joint and chugged some pepto. Feeling a lil better... Not sure which is working..... Gonna keep doing both.....
What is she getting? Last time we talked her behavior was conducive to getting a tramp stamp on her face.
People were running around punching out the ceiling tiles Super Mario style.
I am thankful for thumbs.
Because without thumbs, we would be dolphins.
Land dolphins.
You've been dating this guy for a month now and as your best friend I have to complain that I still don't how big his dick is.
I would say don't do anything I wouldn't do, but we both know I forget about my personal safely when getting laid is on the line
Is there a single word to describe 'the last guy she slept with before meeting her husband'? Cause there should be.
I mean it's up to you where you want to sleep but I'm telling you you're going to hear us have sex no matter what room you're in.
Fair enough
Side note: I apologize for sex being the subject of every single one of my texts. That's what happens when you date an older man who constantly denies you sex on the basis of his ridiculous morals.
i just turned on my printer and found 10 pounds of german chocolate inside. i think i found where you hid your candy last night
Randomize
