insurance, jail, and birth control were made for people like us.
This last weekend single handedly took me off the liver transplant list
The mass text at 3:12AM offering "free scrotum tastings" will have repercussions
It's "your husband had his mouth on my vagina" awkward.
I put an asterick after the names of people in my phone that I've fucked. Both as a form of bragging, and also so I can actually remember all their names.
I JUST MACED MY OWN FACE
This is by far the best text I have ever woken up to.
Just headbutted a photographer. This convention just got really interesting.
it would be a downgrade if your vagina tasted like skittles
He held back my hair as I puked, then kindly asked me to slightly move my head over and pissed right next to my face.
Was there a condom involved? Because he was saying he wanted a kid. Repeatedly.
By cross-referencing our messages & her Twitter feed, I've deduced that she was eating spaghetti the whole time we were sexting.
You have talents. You got me laid two weekends in a row in two different cities.
Is there anything more American than getting day drunk and watching Hulk Hogan promos?
Fun fact. I just wrapped myself in wrapping paper for a sext. Is this a new high or a new low stay tuned.
he's smothering me... and not in the good, can you move your thigh off my face please?.. way
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