It was like a mary poppins bag, except a sexual mary poppins bag.
Why are all the lights on in my house? Every single one. Someone should turn them off but I'm the only one here and I'm sure as hell not doin it.
He told me to pretend to be a shark, and he would slay me with his harpoon cock.
Have you ever made a sandwich from swedish fish and tortilla chips?
He asked if I wanted to leave my bra on while we were doing it from behind bc he read somewhere that all that pounding can be painful for big breasts. THAT thoughtful.
Today wasn't Sunday Funday, it was more like Sunday god is taking a shit on my life day
We found Mulan.
I thought you were in bed what the hell
But we only had three ninja turtles. So everyone that would ask us where Donatello was, we would say "what? He's gone? Shredder is at it again!"
I was riding him and in the middle he literally said "fuck yeah, Amy Winehouse"
If I died tonight, I'd be content knowing you were the last person to see my boobs.
I'll just tell you, some how when we were having sex on Friday my collarbone got fractured.
then a garbage truck rolls up to the club, they hop out, and walk right in like they own the place
My "lord keep me from stabbing a bitch" prayer has gotten a lot of miles today
My roommate just google searched "cumming blood" using my laptop. Her boyfriend is in her room, she looks scared. Words cannot explain how hilarious this is.
Call me a snob but I'm not banging chicks with more fingers than teeth.
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