Went to bed at 4 in a strangers bed. woke up wearing scrubs, realized i was gonna be late for work so i just wore the same clothes as the day before... i don't have a toothbrush and im pretty sure there is leftover semen in my mouth. at some point i think i was at the beach cuz theres is sand in my underwear. i love newport already.
According to my dad, my tongue ring makes people assume I give a lot of blow jobs because, as stated by him "that's what it's for"
do you know your status is "goal for vegas: hook up with a girl AND a boy"?
and THATS why i'm not adding my mom on facebook
There's a litter of kittens in my bathtub and beer cans everywhere. I want my apartment key back.
I might scale it back and go as an investment banker. Which is the exact same costume as James Bond on LSD. I just introduce myself differently.
What type of outfit says "I know you slept with my boyfriend before and are also way skinnier than me, but I look better...somehow"
I think she's perpetually drunk
It's all she knows
Whenever we go out my brain flips on autopilot, straight to blackout.
Did my married ex-boyfriend really tell me that he prays for me? Fucking Judas
Like I just asked Greg why I don't have a crown for my vagina. That drunk.
"What's your dick like homie" is not really an acceptable thing to say out loud
You told me you were with a dog dressed as a taco, and it was the only one you trusted
I'm shopping for Mother's Day cards while waiting for my herpes medication. What is life.
There is a video of you making out with him, flipping off the camera, and holding the plastic flamigo that you had just stolen out of a yard
Oh yeah I meant to tell you the Tomb Raider looking girl so crop dusted me on the stairway
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