So I don't have any furniture but we just skateboard drunk around the floor.
Hiding in the clothes rack at walmart like a 4 year old. Already scared 3 people. New fav weekend activity
He told me that he wishes our relationship was more like prison: less touching, more butt sex.
You've ruined blow jobs for me. You were the motzart of sucking dick, where every other girl is like awkward elevator music
You're like the curious george of whores
He fell asleep and I'm awkwardly laying here because all I have to wear is my tutu. I'm pretty sure his roommate is going to be back soon so this should be fun. This is my life now. PS. the background of his phone is a picture of his hedgehog.
You have to figure out where to put this turtle dude
Goldenshlager is a hell of a drink. And these are the adventures ur missing out on w me. I gave someone a bath Emily. A BATH.
Awkward
Can't say I wouldn't let it happen again.
Totally forgot I asked the cop for a theoretical fist bump and he still let me drive away
I just drove by a stop sign that had a used maxi pad stuck to it WHAT THE FUCK
Being sober is no fun. Karaoke and not wearing pants are not socially acceptable things to do anymore and this depresses me.
He didn't have much of a personality. But I had like 100 orgasms, so that's cool.
The closest I'll come to committing is leaving sex toys at their house
Blueberry probiotics greatly increase to the masturbation experience. Try it dude. It’s all the rage
Here's the "to do" list i just found on my phone: buy stripper pole, make sex playlist, buy febreeze
Randomize
