fuck the hobbit
what about unicorns?
fuck those pointy horses
he only lasted three minutes, so to spite him i stayed the night and slept in.
I justified spending $400 stocking my bar to my sister by saying it was an investment
Personally I think it's a tremendous investment
I don't know. I guess at the end of the day I wanted taco bell more than a boyfriend.
Totally get that.
I forget the details, but I'm told that I drunkenly stalked him around floor yelling obscure Jewish laws at him
How does "I'm not drinking tonight" turn into body shots?
Nothing is more awkward than taking a dump while someone is crying in the bathroom.
i'm currently connecting with my tribal roots aka i just found my recorder from 3rd grade music class... be ready for the recording
You puked on my feet last night. You owe me a pedicure.
It got quiet and we all stood around and opened the box and I've never seen so many burritos in my life man. it was fucking biblical.
I'm daydrinking whiskey in a princess hat
Woke up with chlamydia and a bruised rib. I'd say my boss is gonna be mad about me not showing up to work, except you know.. it's her fault.
A guy I hooked up with YEARS ago just endorsed me on LinkedIn for "customer service".
The fact that I made out with a twenty one year old father is kind of worrying me now. Like. This is exactly what I wasn't supposed to do in life.
My dad called me in the middle of the night, drunk on vodka, asking for references on the Irish alphabet.
Randomize
