census says that i am hotter than the girl you just left with...sad for you
the best thing about tacos is after you shit them all out you feel like to have room for your dignity to come back
My number went up to seventeen today. I forgot to add my random hookup on a sailboat.
You left your underwear here. I'm hanging it on my door
WHYAREWHITEGUYSSOBADINBED?! What the fuck went wrong, evolution?
I'm not saying I'm drunk, but I'm definitely saying my liver has its work cut out for it.
Perfect. And my grandma just called me and talked to me for eighteen minutes telling me that she was worried because of my Halloween costume that I'm not a Christian and that I'm not eating. Wtf.
1. My arms are cement 2. I wish dogs could answer the phone
This lady gave me four cups to go along with my gallon of daiquiri. Silly girl, all I need is a straw.
Some girl dressed in nothing but Wonder Woman underwear and a cape on her ass just started twerking all over us. Remind me why I'd never been to a midnight of Rocky horror before?
Well my unnaturally hairy chest finally came in handy. It took at least an hour to shave the american flag into my chest but I definitely went America all over that party
I'm sorry about all of the innappropriate shoe throwing
I’m a coke loving, addy selling, pot smoking CRIMINOLOGY major. If there isn't irony in that I give up.
What would I even say at the wedding? "Sorry that I still wouldn't sleep with you after four years of you trying...but hopefully my sister here isn't that stubborn" and give him an awkward pat on the back?
Whose the chick running for dorm president promising bigger dicks and softer toilet paper? That’s who I m voting for
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