I'm buying this stripper a house, I don't care what her name is.
just thinking about him makes my vagina shudder.
Turns out vomit takes off spray tan.
I just peed next to my dog in the yard. Unparalleled forms of bonding going on over here.
What's the policy for hitting on a girl at a funeral? She seems more bored than sad.
I'll probably regret it tomorrow. But right now, accepting this $2000 credit card so that I can finance booty calls from across the united states sounds like a golden idea.
Dude I really need to stop drinking. I chugged a whole bottle of ketchup last night.
Siri just called me GayBoy in front of my family. I will destroy you.
I don't remember... but puking on the bar sounds like me.
I just washed out an empty chocolate milk bottle to take whiskey on my bike ride.
You are not an adult
Opened the apartment door and the smell of sex and weed literally slapped me across the face. Kudos.
I need to get off of her emotional roller coaster. I've been on it for a fucking year and I've been throwing up the entire time.
I'm to the point where I just want to get back at him in a hot man sex tornado way.
Why would you get kicked out?
Well, an overweight man is currently not wearing a shirt. Or pants. And is getting in touch with his inner Chippendale. You can probably fill in the blanks.
Sorry I banged your sister. But in my defense you ain't fucked me in a month. In fact I should get a medal for keeping it in your family.
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